A Hazy Shade of Winter

I stole the title of this post from the title of a lesser-known Simon and Garfunkel song that seems to sum up this special three week period at Butler University every year called February. Second semester is vanishing like melted ice down the drains on the street and spring is playing with all of us by refusing to show itself for more than a fleeting moment. It's awkward.

In the spirit of this awkward time of year, I feel compelled to critique two awkward pop songs that have been hyped hard but, IMHO, aren't delivering on their promises.

The offenders are Britney:

and Ga Ga:

Let me preface all of this thoroughly unscientific criticism with a short disclaimer: I live in a frat house. When a song drops on the radio and the right name is attached, you can pretty much bet that it'll be blasting in my basement at three A.M. the next weekend. I don't just know pop songs, I feel them. By which I mean I feel their bass lines pounding through my walls all night long every weekend of the academic year. I have memorized all of the random noises Wiz, T-Pain, Jason Derulo, and Weezy F. Baby put at the beginning (and end) of their tracks. I feel compelled to sing along with songs whenever they are playing, even in non-frat situations, if my fellow crooners aren't getting the tonality of the original performers' voices right. Obsessive? Most definitely, but it comes with the territory. I literally live with pop, for better or worse. In sickness and in health. 'Till Monday morning do us part. Perhaps that's why I am acutely sensitive to the let-down I think both of these songs represent.

"Hold It Against Me" is a pop song that wants really really badly to be a dubstep song but ALSO wants to be cranked in a soccer mom's minivan and on a thirteen year old girl's iPod. It's not slick enough to be classic pop, but it's not gritty enough to be dubstep. The main issue is the toothless, disappointing dubstep breakdown that takes off at 2:15. It doesn't "wub" nearly hard enough and seems to have been lowered in the mix by some record label stooge. Heck, even the GameBoy breakdown at the 2:09 mark in "Please Don't Go" is more aggressive and interesting. "Hold It Against Me" has some identity issues to work out as far as I can tell. If pop is female, and dubstep is phallic, then Britney's newest work is decidedly transgendered, and not in a sexy/dangerous David Bowie or Debbie Harry way. More in a head-scratching, awkward Pat kind of way.

 

A scientifically-generated physical representation of "Hold It Against Me"

This song could fail a whole lot less if it was produced by a real iron stud of dubstep, like Skrillex A.K.A Sonny Moore. Never heard of him? Educate yourself:

This guy deserves an award for being the first producer out there to get trance/electro major-key synth lines in bed with dubstep bass and a very distinctive vocal chopping style. It's just icing on the cake that Sonny is a retired vocalist for seminal hard/metalcore acts Bring Me the Horizon and From First to Last who took up programming when his voice began failing him. It's an amazing "indie goes pop" Cinderella story if you ask me. All rivers really do flow to the sea.

"Im'ma make you dance."

Envisioning a collab between these two is downright scintillating. I can almost hear Brit's shimmering, pubescent pop purr over Skrillex's grinding synth sounds. I'm sure there will be a remix on YouTube bringing this vision into reality before I finish spell-checking this post. Below is PROOF that pop vox and dirty "wub wub" synth can play nice, courtesy of a producer known as Chrispy. Granted, this Rhianna chopping, verse omitting gritfest works better than most entries in the same genre diary to be found on YouTube, but it is an interesting glimpse into the future of pop.

For the record, I have seen roomfuls of (mostly) civilized, upper middle class college students dance to this song in ways strippers would consider a little exotic.

Anyway, now on to the latest GaGa offering. It's not bad enough to be "bad", it's just not spectacular. I can almost hear RedOne sweating in the studio, trying to make more hits for an artist who has already had more worldwide #1's and music industry-transcending success than most of her peers will ever dream of. The strangest part of this whole affair, however, is that this single comes off of what is currently touted as being a "rock" album. Judging by the late 90's trance sound of the single, however, the Gaga "rock" sound needs a reality check. I'd be deeply saddened to see this become the "Rebirth" of Ms. Germanotta's career.

Being the devil's advocate I am, though, I think the disappointment factor of this song is a matter of contrast. It's possible that GaGa's amazing run of success is a fluke that is nearly impossible to keep running, but we the people now expect it from her because she delivered so much so consistently for so long. Who else besides Michael Jackson has released so many anthemic pop singles and packed them on to two releases a release and a very long ep over the course of barely two years? I think our favorite Lady could have taken a longer holiday and given herself more time to bring something completely new to the table, but not to worry. I have barely gotten over the excessive pop successes Katy and this other trashy chick have been cranking out lately with help from my favorite doctor.

Anyway, now that I have managed to post five (about to be six) YouTube videos in a single blog and hate faster than a speeding locomotive, I'll leave you with my current absolute favorite pop jam:

Goodnight, Internet. Sweet dreams.